What Will Your Death Look Like?

What will your death look like?

Dark question? It doesn’t have to be. I want you to think about it. Do you want to die at home? Do you want to donate your organs? Do you want a green burial, or a traditional service? Do you want family members at your side with the scent of lavender and candlelight filling the room? Or would you prefer to die in a hospital? Did you know that in most cases, you actually get to choose?

 I read a story about a husband and wife. The husband was diagnosed with cancer and fought until the very end. He was in hospital in an uncomfortable bed, hooked up to beeping machines.  He died alone in the room, waiting for his doctor to return.

 About 8 months later, his wife was diagnosed with cancer. She fought as well. She went through the recommended treatments to no avail. After seeing what her husband endured, she wanted things to end differently.  So, she eventually stopped treatment and spent her final weeks at home with family. She had her favorite music playing. A diffuser was running with the scents she loved filling the room. She and her family went through all of the greeting cards that she had saved over the years.  Enjoying those memories again and creating a poster with her favorite ones attached. 

 As she went through old photo albums, conversations with loved ones simply happened. “Hey mom remember this? You were always so good about…..” or “Remember that time you scolded me? As a child it made me feel…..”. The photos became an opportunity to have discussions that would have been otherwise left unsaid.

 She could not control that she was dying, but she did control how she died.

 The husband and wife each had very different death experiences, as did the family members who were experiencing the journey with them.

 This story had me thinking of what I want my own death to look like. And more than that, had me asking my loved ones what they wanted their death to look like.

 Realizing that you actually have a choice is the first step.

 You see, the medical system offers hope to the dying. They ask you to try this medication, or that procedure. And that’s great! But all too often, we hold on to that hope while avoiding important conversations. Because the hope is so strong, no one asks “What do you want your death to look like?” “How do you want this to play out?” “Do you want to die at home, or stay in the hospital?” Sometimes, we hold onto hope until it’s too late.

 There is also the scenario where the loved one (or yourself) is silenced before these conversations can happen and you are left wondering if there could have been a better way. What if your dad, brother or husband would have wanted his final days to occur differently? We all think it wouldn’t happen that way – that we have time.

 Yet, hasn’t COVID-19 and the use of respirators just shown us otherwise? One day you or your loved one are well and able to communicate.  The next day, you are silenced by a respirator and placing the burden of decision-making on your family.

 So, I have spent my time in quarantine studying to become an End of Life Doula. Also known as a Death Doula or a Death Midwife. What the heck is that!? It’s a Birth Doula – in reverse.

 What exactly does an End of Life Doula do? Well, we’re all a little bit different. We are all similar as it applies to some services, and different in others. What we all do, is humanize the dying process. We make death human-centered. Whether you are planning for your future or coming to terms with a life-limiting illness, recognizing the you will someday pass can bring up a lot of fear and emotion.

 I can help to break through those feelings. I can help answer questions regarding what your end-of-life medical wishes really are; and how to protect them. We can determine what will bring you comfort and dignity in your final days and how to help your family during that time.

 I offer emotional, physical, spiritual and practical support for you and your loved ones both before, during and after death. I facilitate conversations. The unknown brings a great deal of fear in dying.  A Death Doula can help navigate the unknowns about the end of life process.

 A Death Doula can start working with the dying as early as diagnosis, assisting with legacy work, vigil and aftercare. A Death Doula is a non-medical, non-judgmental role. More specifically, this is what I will do:

 Planning ahead: In one-on-one, or group sessions, I will meet with you to discuss options. For example, if you’d like to be an organ donor, dying at home isn’t an option. Or, when choosing a funeral home, you will want one that provides the services to best align with your wishes. In short, what do you want your death to look like? Together, we will craft a plan that is right for you. A plan that provides the comfort and peace you need.

I am also an Osteopath (DOMP):  I have seen firsthand how grief sits in and negatively impacts, the body. Some of my packages will include follow up appointments for the grieving family where I will apply manual manipulation to ease the process and release the pain in the tissues. I am also skilled in light-touch massage. For the dying, touch might not be welcomed, but if it is, we must take care in performing massage, as it can affect the death process. I will apply and teach family members how to offer a loved one light-touch massage to relieve pain.

 I am in my third year of a four-year degree in psychology:  I have focused my studies on grief. This includes the stages of grief and even the anticipation of grief. I will help to facilitate difficult conversations among family. I will navigate family dynamics. Where family can be of direct assistance to the dying member, I will help assign roles and set up a schedule to facilitate.

I am an experienced yoga teacher:  With over 500 hours of study and countless hours of teaching. I can provide guided meditations or guided visualizations to assist in pain relief and anxiety reduction for the dying. I can assist in creating a space of meaning and comfort for the dying person. This might include a play list of favorite songs or sounds. Scents, decorations, photos or items that bring joy.

 I will help to create a unique legacy project for you:  Whether that be in the form of a scroll or an album, a video or a bundle of letters, a recipe book or a craft, we will find something that honors your amazing life and legacy.

 Assistance:  In writing a death announcement, obituary or eulogy.

I provide resources:  Once we discuss what you want your death to look like, I can help you get the information you need to move forward. Whether that is helping you find a lawyer, or a funeral home that provides a green funeral, or assisting you in finding counseling for you or family, I will be there.  You might also need help choosing a casket, memorial stone and cemetery. I will be your single source of resources when you might not otherwise be able to search for yourself.

 Support: I will always be an advocate for my client’s wishes.

 This work can be done from wherever you choose to pass: at home, in hospital, or at along-term care facility. Comfort can be found in the knowledge that it is you who decides how you want to experience death and I will be there to support you.

 When would I call a Death/End of Life Doula? –Anytime! Different packages have been created to assist at several stages in your end of life journey.

·      If you have an aging parent/spouse that doesn’t want to discuss these matters.

·      If you have an aging parent/spouse and you are simply unaware of the options at the time of death.

·      If you are single and want to ensure that your wishes are known and followed.

·      If you are married and worry that the guilt of wondering if you made the correct decisions for your dying spouse will weigh heavily on you.

·      If you or someone you love has received a terminal diagnosis.

·      If you or someone you love is in the process of dying.

·      If you’d like the comfort of knowing that your end of life plans and wishes will be followed.

·      If you have recognized that death is now an unavoidable outcome and you’d like to gain insight as to how you can control your final days.

 How Does This Look if I Call? It looks however you’d like it to. I can attend at your home for an initial meeting, you can come to my cozy office, or we can meet in a coffee shop or a park. I will explain my various packages and pricing. You will have the opportunity to ask any question you’d like about the process.  You can then customize my services and packages to best suit your needs.

 How Much Does This Cost? Well, it depends on what you’d like me to do. The initial meeting (or conversation) is free so that we can discuss what you’d like to see moving forward. I have designed 3 packages with various rates (they will be posted on my webpage soon!). I truly believe in this work and feel passionately about humanizing the dying process, I would like to make this as accessible to as many people as possible. Package rates range from $299 - $1999.